I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
