My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
