Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
