Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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