genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
