I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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