I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
