hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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