I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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