she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
