you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize