Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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