you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ugly people sure do ruin things
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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