is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i believe in u and ur pee
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
