Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
