i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
