I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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