Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
