my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
