I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
