dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
