you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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