Michael Bay diarrhea
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
