Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
