I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
