Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
