last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
