i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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