mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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