I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
