I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
