I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
