Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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