i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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