watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
