420 ftw
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
