i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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