I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize