I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
