Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
