It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
