there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
