im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
