were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
