if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
