I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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