Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
