You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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