my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
