You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
