Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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