Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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