Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
