I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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