end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
