Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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