Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
