3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
do herpes really smell.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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