Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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