Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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